The other day I came across an old diary of mine that I had about five years ago when my brother Scott was murdered and my then husband had been arrested for his murder and awaiting trial. It was a horrific time for me and my family and I will never forget the huge depth of sadness we all felt.
But when I sat down to read my feelings in detail all over again, it was heart wrenching. It felt like I was reading about someone else’s life. And even though at the time I was surrounded by friends and family who loved me, there were still times that I found so difficult and I felt so alone. I knew at the end of the day it was up to me to keep going, after all no one else could do it for me.
I was on auto-pilot for a long time. Having four children under seven in the middle of this huge mess seemed like such a struggle yet when I look back now I realise they are the reason I got out of bed each day. They are the ones who kept me going and made me smile when I felt like I couldn’t. I couldn’t change what happened even though I wished so hard that I could and found it too hard to look ahead as life was so uncertain for us all. So I lived in the moment. Simple tasks and small routines made it easier for me to cope and before I knew it a week had passed, then another… and slowly my heart didn’t feel so heavy.
I look back now and see just how much I’ve changed. Not only have I become a little older and wiser but I’m more confident in who I am. I’m sure of what I want for myself and for my kids. I appreciate the people I love so much more, because you never know what’s around the corner. I feel more deeply towards others who are struggling and want to help them if I can. But I also found a strength I never knew I had and I know now it’s possible to get through the toughest of situations.
When I least expected it good things started to happen and I’m happier now than I’ve ever been. Of course I still have moments when I struggle with everything that happened and I miss my brother dearly but I have a lot of great memories that no one can take away from me and I try to focus on all the positive things in life for which I’m so thankful for.