“If Its To Be Its Up To Me”

We cannot choose what happens to us, but we can choose what we do with what happens to us. A lot of the heartache we experience often isn’t necessarily because of anything we have done, and no, it isn’t fair. But no one has ever promised us life would be fair.

We can get angry and rail against the injustices of it all, but we can not afford to stay in that state. If we do, we risk being eaten up with bitterness and resentment. Unfortunately, that is something of a monster if left unchecked. It can keep growing and spreading inside us. This becomes very evident to those around us, in our attitudes and with how we talk and it can make us someone best to avoid.

It is very difficult letting pain go, but with help, faith, love and care, we can. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. Sometimes it can feel like one step forward and five steps back. But we must keep going. It is like climbing up a mountain, in a blizzard with the snow up to our knees. But there is a mountain top and a breathtakingly beautiful view of the other side.

It is now nearly nine years since Scott was murdered and at times I can still find myself going back to those feelings of becoming angry and resentful at his loss and the pain that it has caused our family. But I come back to having to let this pain go, not dwelling on it too long and moving forward. It certainly is not easy. Our lives will never be the same again. I can now look back and say my life is richer now because of the experiences I have been through. I am thankful that Scott lived and the memories we have of him for those 31 years, rather than continually looking back at what we have lost. 

When I see others suffering heart wrenching grief, I want to take their pain away. But alas, it is not a path we can take for anyone else. We can support someone, and walk alongside them, but ultimately we all have to face our pain on our own. 

“If it is to be it is up to me.” There is a way through. There is always a way if we want something badly enough and be prepared to pay the price. It is tiring and sometimes we want to give up, it is just too hard. But we have others who depend on us to love and encourage them and to help them find their way. How we react to betrayal and brokenness has a big impact on those around us and it will have for the generations after us.

No one’s pain is worse than another’s. It is all relative. We cannot compare. Instead I would rather  someone look at me and say, “Because Jo Guy worked through her heartache, I can get through mine too!”

(ps it is still a work in progress ….)